Author: Jackie J.B

Remember, Remember the Fifth of November

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Remember, remember the fifth of November. Gunpowder, treason, and plot. I see no reason why gunpowder, treason should ever be forgot.

I was looking forward to the fifth of November, a significant date to all British. Every year on this date we celebrate Bonfire Night. Also known as Guy Fawkes Night, it is a tradition dating back to the Gunpowder Plot of 1605, when Catholic conspirator Guy Fawkes tried to blow up the Houses of Parliament and King James 1.

When the gunpowder plot was unsuccessful, Fawkes was taken to the Tower of London where he was tortured. He was sentenced to death, hanged, drawn, and quartered. His body parts were sent to different parts of London for all to see and learn.

“Never throughout history has a man who lived a life of ease left a name worth remembering.” – Theodore Roosevelt

We remember this tradition when young and old get together, lighting an enormous bonfire, with an impressive effigy of Guy burning on top. We put aside any disagreements we might have had with family and friends during the year and share the goodwill by setting off spectacular fireworks. Furthermore, it is a great excuse to drink litres of mulled wine and gorge on toffee apples and roasted chestnuts.

“Sometimes something catastrophic can occur in a split second that changes a person’s life forever; Other times one minor incident can lead to another and then another and another, eventually setting off just as a big a change in a body’s life.” – Jeanette Walls

But this year, all professional events are cancelled as on the same day, we enter a second lockdown. Our mood has changed from excitement to gloom as we face tougher restrictions. Despite schools and offices being open, the rest of us are only allowed to leave the house if it is indispensable.

To make it worse, people are flocking to supermarkets to stockpile once more fearing their Christmas will be ruined. I am indifferent. I am staying calm. Thinking back about how first time around everybody’s focus was on toilet rolls, flour, and cans of tomatoes, I have decided to sit through this second wave as comfortable as I can. I will neither bake bread nor stuff my face with cakes and biscuits.

While I have mild concerns about this second wave, I fear the continuation of lockdown into the new year, because some people are not taking it seriously. A month ago, my family and I spent two weeks in isolation to protect others. We boosted each other’s spirit, and our mental health was not affected. Though we have bounced back as healthy as before, I cannot imagine what isolation would do to some poor lonely souls.

 “They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” – Andy Warhol

Life has changed drastically in 2020. Our level of distress has risen massively. We have been impacted by fear, loneliness, and anxiety. But what we should remember is that every day, is like any other day. Even though we might still be in the middle of a pandemic, we must reach out and lean in the support we get from others. Our spirits are thus lifted, and we are given the opportunity to move forward while feeling safe and secured.

“Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.” – William Ellery Channing

So here I am, eyes fixed upwards, watching the colourful explosions in the sky. Covid-19 may have ruined the professional events, but my neighbours have blasted off sparklers, spinners, and rockets from their gardens, much to my delight. What a magical moment full of beauty for all to see! I forget the pandemic and let my heart be filled with hope and belief of a better day.

See You Later Alligator

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“See ya,” “Laters,” “Hasta la vista,” are informal farewells. Whether it is temporary or permanent, not all goodbyes are enjoyable. There are no set ways to bid adieu, it depends on the type of relationship you have with that person. If the moment of separation is intense, it can cause acute emotional discomfort.

“Remember me and smile, for it’s better to forget than to remember me and cry.” – DR Seuss

There comes a time when separation happens, you feel desperate and alone. As hard as it is, you should not pretend that you do not feel pain. It does not matter how long you have known each other, whether it is a week or your whole life, each goodbye tears a piece of your heart. It is the final step to closure, the end of a chapter. You will feel empty and bare.

“The only time a goodbye is painful is when you will never say hello again.”

Sometimes you do not get the chance to say goodbye face to face. Covid-19 and social distancing have made it impossible to say a final goodbye. You can find comfort through your grief by visiting your favourite places which will bring back happy memories. You could also play music, read a poem, or plant a tree in their memory.

“We started with a simple hello but ended with a complicated goodbye.”

Relationships are on a time limit, set for a purpose, and change depending on life circumstances. When a relationship ends, whether it is a house move or a romantic break-up, the final moment stays with us. We replay unforgettable memories of the love shared and good times spent. We hold on to our past.

“If you’ve been brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.” – Paulo Coelho

But not all goodbyes have to be formal and serious. If you are uncomfortable showing your emotions, you might not find the right words to say. Make it memorable by showing them the impact that they have on you. Write them a heart-felt letter, give them a hug or just wave them off with a genuine smile. Show them how you value the time spent in their company.

“When I am brave enough to say goodbye, I’ll use the wings you gave me and away I’ll fly.” – Celia McMahon

Saying goodbye to a toxic relationship should not even be debated. If you are not being valued, not being shown the same affection you have for them, then it is time to say “au revoir”. Embark on a journey of healing, open your heart to new love and opportunities. With time and patience, your broken heart will mend.

“You and I will meet again, when we’re least expecting it. One day in a far off place, I’ll recognise your face. I won’t say goodbye my friend, for you and I will meet again.” – Tom Petty

Goodbyes can be silent. Just being there with the person is enough.

So, until next time … Have a good one!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who is the Most Perfect of Them All

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Brene Brown suggests that ‘perfectionism’ is not the same thing as striving to be your best.

“‘Perfectionism’ is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgement, and shame. It is a shield. It is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it is the thing that is really preventing us from flight.“

A few years ago, I believed I was a perfectionist. I needed to appear perfect as I believed that I mattered only when I achieved great things. For me it was a positive trait rather than a flaw. Though I worked harder to achieve my personal best, I was never satisfied with the result. I kept telling myself I was not good enough. Insecurity gripped me as I feared disapproval from others.

What makes us aim to be perfect?

It is not clear what causes someone to become a perfectionist. Studies have found that high levels of perfectionism relate to depression, anxiety, eating disorders, deliberate self-harming and obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is a behaviour that we learn from our own inadequacy or when we copy someone close to us.

Our idea of perfectionism is based on our past actions. It is a combination of what we learned, imagined, and experienced in the past. It can be exhausting when we are trying to avoid repeat failures, but hopeful when we learn from our success. Depending on the outcome, our persona changes. We can become hypersensitive and defensive.

“When perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking” – Brene Brown

It took me years before I let go of the pressure. I no longer feel guilty when I leave my belongings scattered around the bedroom or dump piles of books on the table. I do not feel embarrassed when my family tells me I am a hoarder. Nor do I feel ashamed to say that I am not good at something which I am not particularly keen on.

And yet, when I am making art, I get frustrated and anxious when it does not turn out as I envisioned in my head. Even though others see a brilliant creation, I am critical of my own work. With advertising and social media, I am constantly reminded of all the things that I fall short. Self-doubt creeps in and I take a nose-dive into the pit of self-pity; I am not good enough.

“Have no fear of perfection- you’ll never reach it” – Salvador Dali

Perfection is not a quest to become the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough, that we should try harder. Perfectionism is unachievable. It is a function of the mind that can instigate defeat or success. It all depends on how we use it. Our goal is to reframe our mindset, shift our focus on living only in the present.

Therefore, we should not strive for perfection and we should not concern ourselves with what others think. The desire to achieve perfection can be a detriment to our health. It can cause us to lose our self-confidence and the ability to perform. Everyone has their own values and standards. Let us not second guess ourselves by trying to emulate others. We might end up becoming our worst enemy.

I am okay with not being perfect, because that is perfect to me.

Letter to My Younger Self

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Yesterday I came out of a 14-day isolation period. Not that I had contracted Covid-19, but I was in close contact with someone who had this killer disease. At first, I was worried about being seriously ill but after two negative tests results, I was more bothered about my lack of freedom.

The only point of contact with the outside world was through my phone. Dependent on online shops and social media, I moved into survival mode. This wave of panic was getting out of hand. One knock on the door and the delivery man was already leaping out of sight. Beware of the invisible COVID sign, I was now the untouchable. Sigh!

“Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.” – Paulo Coelho

This daunting time was not going to disappear overnight. I needed to do something, take back control of my life and avoid depression. I was sure life would be different if I had a plan. I recalled memories of happier times. This time last year I was preparing for my trip to Rome, and the year before that to Mother Russia.

Unfortunately, I have an annoying habit of leaving something behind during my holiday – not intentionally of course. I accidentally left my house keys at the hotel reception in Rome. I only noticed when I got back home in the middle of the night and could not get in.

I was upset of course but a few days later after getting a new set of keys, I was able to laugh at my stupidity. I even shrugged the whole incident off when the hotel failed to return my keys. A key can easily be replaced. No big deal. Life goes on.

Had it happened ten years earlier, my mental state would have been affected. My life would have been ruined. I am older and more experienced. I can deal with disasters and have learned to control my emotions instead of letting them control me.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why they call it the present.” – Deepak Chopra

How I wish I could go back in time and tell my younger self not to worry when faced with decisions and choices. How I would tell ‘mini me’ that there would be no success without failure and not to beat myself up when I made mistakes. I would tell my younger self that life is a journey full of adventures, hop on and enjoy the ride.

I wished I had known everything I know now when I was 18 – the age of independence yet so fragile and naïve. How I wish I had followed my passion and not let someone else dictate my future. Not to settle for second best but strive to become the best. How I wish Cupid did not use my heartstrings to make chord for his lyre. Being single is not a curse.

“Homo proponit, sed Deus disponit” – Man proposes but God disposes

The future is not set in concrete. It is okay to change path when we find ourselves on the wrong one. Covid-19 has brought the whole world to its knees. Plans and hopes have gone up in smoke – dreams shattered, replaced by a fear of dying. Social gathering is frowned upon. We now live in our own bubble to the point of being unsociable.

A little advice from my older, wiser self

So, my dear younger self, I encourage you to throw caution to the wind. Be more courageous and take risks. What would be the point of sacrificing yourself when the future is uncertain? Do not feel rejected and insecure because of peer pressure. You cannot be what everybody wants you to be. Instead, learn to love and respect yourself. Life is a wonderful game. You just need to know how to play it.

In Honour of World Mental Health Day

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Did you know that mental illness is connected to physical illness? Depression is a brain disorder that leads to emotional suffering. It can lead to a lot of physical problems that affect everything from your heart to your immune system. Changes in how your brain function can have a big effect on your body.

You will surely agree with me that life can be stressful. Sometimes you may feel so stressed that you cannot work out what to do as your brain is overanalysing. You might feel constantly tired and achy.  Your appetite for food and sex might decrease. You might have insomnia, or you might sleep too much. Whatever it is, I am sure you will want some explanations but will not find easy answers.

“Our life is shaped by our mind for we become what we think.” – Buddha

It is not easy to fit in with the crowd and we all want to feel accepted. I have known those who would do anything, from cracking silly jokes to saying ‘yes’ to every person. And when they fail to integrate, they feel unloved and misunderstood. They lose their identity and become depressed. They turn in on themselves and become a recluse.

Depression alters your brain structure. Your whole life is turned upside down. You experience fear and loneliness. You feel unmotivated. You become increasingly bad-tempered, snap at people and then feel guilty afterwards. You might bear someone a grudge for a long time even though you do not know the reason why you did it in the first place.

“Even though I walk through the dark valley of death because you are with me, I fear no harm. Your rod and your staff give me courage.”- Psalm 23:4

There is no fairy godmother with a magic wand to fix your life when you are going through your darkest moments. Some people, when they are suffering, sometimes draw closer to God and others walk away for good. Whether you are alone or surrounded by people, you have the choice to follow your own path. If you feel unsure, you can try to correct it with another choice and make it right. But it is up to you to take hold of your life and take charge of it.

You might say that it is not easy to do when you feel your world is crumbling. You will need help and support to change your attitude and create a more regular routine. Do not compare yourself to others, especially on social media. They only share the good things that happen to them. Reach out to those you trust and express your feelings. You might be surprised to find that you are not the only one who is feeling down. One phone call, one text message might make someone else feel less isolated.

“An empty lantern provides no light. Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly.” –  The YogaMad

Learn the art of self-care and self-love and stay positive. Fill your time with things that you enjoy so you feel less lonely. Dance or exercise to music, moving your body to the point of losing yourself. It will lift your mood and take your mind off things. If you want something more calming, try meditation. Join an online community or support group. Just keep busy.

Take advantage of free online courses. Learn something new that you have always wanted to do. Join a choir or an art class and discover your hidden talents. Travel the world virtually and explore. Go on a tour of foreign cities and discover new languages and food. No matter what you choose, you are the driver of your own destiny. https://www.thrillist.com/travel/nation/virtual-trips-travel-tours

Nothing lasts forever

Everything has a time limit – good and bad things.  No matter how bad something is in your life right now, it will not last for ever. You must accept there will be things at which you are not successful, but you will learn to become stronger with each failure. Buddha said, ‘Every morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.’ So, if things do not work out today, sleep on it and try again tomorrow!

Can You Turn Your Dreams Into Reality?

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We are all familiar with dreams, but do you understand its mystery? Dreams are stories that you live through in a fantasy world. Your mind creates vivid images and feelings during certain stages of sleep. They are controlled by your subconscious.

“Dreams are as simple or as complicated as the dreamer” – Brian Herbert

Dreams can happen at any time while you are asleep. They are more vivid during the rapid eye movement stage of sleep. It is believed that you dream four to six times a night even though you might not recall any.  On the other hand, in a lucid dream, you are aware you are dreaming, and can experience feelings of happiness, love, sadness or terror.

Most dreams are quickly forgotten but one or two tend to remain vivid. Those are dreams of passion or fear. Out of nowhere you are chased by a monster. No matter how fast you run, he is still hot on your heels. Or you find yourself dropping from a height at a hundred miles an hour about to crash to the ground. You toss and turn in your sheets, sweat buckets and even scream. You are terrified. Then you wake up and feel silly.

“Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake” – Henry David Thoreau

If you are one of the dreamers who can influence your dreams, you can change the direction the story is going when you are not happy or feel threatened. You are not only the protagonist of your story but also the narrator. Unlike daydreaming you are in deep sleep and not fully conscious.

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” – Dumbledore

Daydreaming is a harmless activity and provides a safe place for your mind to wander. You are conscious because you are awake when it is taking place. You let your mind escape and slip in a new world and be distracted by your thoughts. Because you are detached from your present situation, you forget what you were doing five minutes previously.

Because of this lapse of concentration, others see you as disorganised and a time waster. Contrary to what they think, there is evidence that you have an intelligent and efficient brain. According to a study from journal Psychological Science, daydreaming makes you more creative. Your mind processes different modes of thinking and problem solving. It creates new ideas, not unlike a computer programme. This is your mode of coping with everyday life.

“Dreams are free therapy, but you can only get appointments at night” – Grey Livingston

Would you believe that half of your waking life is spent daydreaming? Escaping into a daydream about the future is normal when you feel stress or bored. It is therapeutic. Continuous daydreaming is a sign that you need to take up a new activity or change something in your life. By dreaming about different lives and different roles, you are craving for adventure. You need more stimulation.

Daydreaming and fantasising can be a brilliant source of creative inspiration and motivation resulting in great achievement. The Brontë sisters pretended to be children and produced successful novels. JRR Tolkien daydreamed and created fantasy worlds and characters for Lord of the Rings and the Hobbit. Albert Einstein conceived his theory of relativity when he allowed his thoughts to wander off from mathematics itself.

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream” – C.S. Lewis

As daydreaming is proven to improve creativity, do not feel guilty when your mind begins to wander. Whether you are doing the dishes, having a shower or staring into space at your desk, tap into your full potential and create the next masterpiece. This is the time when you are more receptive to ideas generated within your subconscious. Can you turn your dreams into reality?

How Can I Stop Being Gullible?

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According to Wikipedia, “Gullibility” is a failure of social intelligence in which a person is easily tricked or manipulated into an ill-advised course of action. It is closely related to credulity, which is the tendency to believe unlikely propositions that are unsupported by evidence.

Most of us would like to believe that we cannot be easily influenced by advertising or the media. We feel we are strong enough not to fall prey to marketing tactics, yet we are unaware that we have already been influenced. How many times have we, on impulse, picked up a small item by the checkout counter? Though it was not on our original list, we find ourselves unable to resist the temptation.

“Man, once surrendering his reason, has no remaining guard against absurdities the most monstrous, and like a ship without rudder, is the sport of every wind. With such persons, gullibility, which they call faith, takes the helm from the hand of reason, and the mind becomes a wreck.” – Thomas Jefferson

This morning I came across an article in The Sun – A woman accidentally washed her sink with hand sanitiser and the game-changing mistake has left her taps gleaming. My interest was piqued as I have a constant battle with hard water and limescale. Seeing a picture of a shiny tap, triggered a little voice in my head daring me, “Go on, try it!”.

If You Say “Gullible” slowly, it sounds like “Oranges”

Gullible as always, I marched into the kitchen, ready to tackle those limescale deposits. I was eager to see my reflection in the gleaming surface. I knew it was not going to be a piece of cake and I needed strong support. I picked my trusted allies Purell, DR. PALM, Carex and Cuticura, who have been with me since Covid-19 brought me to my knees. Today I asked them to do me proud once more as I believed they would not fail me.

It is the size of one’s will which determines success

A splash of Purell here, another of Carex there, I made sure most of the surface was covered. It was time for my little soldiers to fight my battle. Who would be the toughest? The article did not mention a time limit, but I knew it would take a while. I decided to make myself comfortable and waited for the anticipated gleam.

Five minutes passed. No change. Ten minutes. Still the same. Feelings of doubt began to crawl into my mind like a film of slime clinging to the pipes. Have I left the gel long enough to do its job? Did I use the wrong brand? That little voice hammered away, causing me to lose patience.

“If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.” – Napoleon Bonaparte

I decided to take matters into my own hands. Using a sponge, I wiped. It was not enough – the white deposit was still in plain view. I emptied four bottles of gel and using a steel wool pad, I scrubbed assiduously. At last I could see a slight shine coming through. Elbow grease was winning against tenacious limescale, but oh boy, what a workout!

What I learned

My sink was more matte than shiny. The steel wool left scratches which I had to polish using toothpaste. I broke a nail in the process but gained lovely scented dried hands. Do I feel tricked? I trusted and acted on impulse, burying my critical thinking. Being in a happy mood made me more receptive and less sceptical. I have learned a good lesson – not to take everything at face value. Not everything we hear from others is useful or even true. I will stick to my normal cleaning product, a well-tested family recipe.

Thou Shall Not Judge

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“Wow, have you seen what that lady is wearing?”

“Oh, mother, please don’t judge!”

“Come on, that dress is too short for her age, admit it!”

“Stop it. It’s not funny!”

That was a thought-provoking conversation between my daughter and I. Was I being judgmental? I believed it was a simple observation. I was neither judging nor criticising and the lady in question never heard those words. So, no harm done, right? That was what I thought until I was put in my place by my daughter. To her, I was judging by appearance and that was unacceptable. It was not a joke and she was right.

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself”- Dr Wayne Dyer

There is a fine line between a joke and criticism. So, when does a funny remark become unacceptable? Judging someone is negative, and ‘judgmental’ is a harsh word which we do not like to be associated with. Yet, when we are told that we are judging, we are quick to deny it. Very often we voice our opinions without thinking of consequences. It is instinctive. We react to how others behave but ignore our own behaviour.

“Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment”- John 7:24

We have become such perfectionists that we think we have the right to correct other people’s flaws. If we feel we have the right to do so, then we must make sure we know everything about that person. We must learn the facts and not assume. We are neither presiding in a tribunal nor are we God, Himself. We cannot form an opinion based on looks or actions. We might think it is funny, but would we tolerate this behaviour if it is done to us?

“When you have an emotional reaction to what you see, you are judging. That is your signal that you have an issue inside of yourself – with yourself – not with the other person. If you react to evil, look inside yourself for the very thing that so agitates you, and you will find it. If it were not there, you will simply discern act appropriately, and move on.”- Gary Zukav

Sometimes when we feel threatened, our defensive mechanism kicks in and judging others help us boost our confidence. Because when we experience negative feelings and our self-esteem takes a dip, we believe we are less worthy than others. Venting out on someone else might make us feel better but we lose our core values.

“It is easy to judge. It is more difficult to understand. Understanding requires compassion, patience, and willingness to believe that good hearts sometimes choose poor methods. Through judging, we separate. Through understanding, we grow.”- Doe Zantamata

Before we say something, we must stop and think. Before we judge, we must understand why we are doing it. When we learn not to judge others and accept them the way they are, we learn to accept our own imperfection. By turning that negative behaviour into understanding and compassion, we let go of our fear of rejection and learn to accept our own faults.

“If you start judging people you will not have time to love them”- Mother Teresa

Instead of spending time pointing out other people’s mistakes, take the time to ponder on your own. You cannot control how people think and act, but you can control your own behaviour. By choosing to see the good in others, you will end up seeing the good in yourself.  It is high time to learn to show more kindness and less judgement.

Is what you want really what you need?

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If I ask you the question “Is what you want really what you need?” you’ll probably reply “yes” without thinking, believing that what you want is going to make you happy. What you want and what you need are not the same. Most of us do not know the difference between our “wants” and “needs”. If whatever you want suddenly becomes unavailable, would you still yearn for it or accept the next best thing?

“You will not get what you want, you will get what you need” – Maxime Lagace

As a bargain hunter shopaholic, I have never been able to go into a shop and come out empty-handed. Normally my obsession is too strong. I am attracted to the “Reduced” and “Sale” stickers like a vampire to blood. Just picture the first day of sales: Black Friday, Panic Saturday, Harrods …  now picture me, elbowing my way through the large crowd of frantic aggressive shoppers – not a pretty sight. Yet, I have spent the last five months without setting foot in a shop except for buying groceries and essential items. Five. Long. Months.

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” – Philippians 4:12

Life does not happen the way we plan it. We do not always get what we want but we can learn to live with what we have. Covid-19 has taught me the difference between “Want” and “Need”. During lockdown, my mind was focused on health and safety for my family. I had to concentrate on buying essential items only. When procuring a pack of toilet rolls or a loaf of bread became near impossible, I forgot about my obsession.

“Luxury is a necessity that begins where necessity ends” – Coco Chanel

Do I need a new pair of shoes when I have over thirty pairs, half of them unworn and still in their boxes? Do I need new clothes when there is a heatwave and I am wearing shorts? Do I need make-up or a new bag when I am loving my time cooking up a storm? The answer is NO. It is neither “Want” nor “Need”, it is “Greed”.

We can be trapped in a materialistic world and become obsessed with gaining more than we have, to the point of excess. There is nothing wrong about having a bulging bank account or being the CEO of our own company, but when that obsession turns to greed, then we lose our humanity. It might seem physically fulfilling but emotionally, we are dead. Our needs are not met when we focus on what we want. We need a balance in our lives to create harmony.

The Key to Happiness

Life is not perfect, and we will not always get what we want. The key to happiness is the fulfilment of simple “needs” not “wants”. We have a natural tendency to want more and more. Instead, we should concentrate on our emotional and spiritual wellbeing.  We should stop chasing what our mind wants in order to get what our soul needs.

“Life does not always give you what you want, but if you look closely you will see that it gives what you need for growth” – Leon Brown

I stripped-down to the bare minimum and got rid of excess baggage. I followed Marie Kondo’s method on how to declutter (Konmari.com). I have now three big bags of clothes and shoes, ready to go to a good home. Sharing with others help my happiness to grow immensely. The feeling is more spiritual than physical. I can say that it is not true that the more you have the more you will be happy. For once you stop looking for what you want, you will find what you need. As the saying goes, “The richest man is not he who has the most, but he who needs the least”.

“One can find material things, but there is one thing that cannot be found when it is lost – life” – Steve Jobs

Now, please do not get me wrong. I am a total sucker for expensive perfume. There is nothing sexier than being surrounded by a mist of powerful alluring rose fragrance. Could that be compared to drugs, I wonder. The more intense, the better it is. That is the way I love it. Back in March, I placed an order for a bottle of my favourite perfume but due to lockdown, delivery has been delayed. I am afraid I cannot remember if I ordered a Bottega Veneta or Dolce & Gabbana. I believe I knew what I wanted then, but now I am not too sure. But then again, as I am running out of my current one, I guess I really, really want it. Aahhh, women are so complicated!

What is a Friend?

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What is a friend? According to Aristotle, it is a single soul dwelling in two bodies. Hmm … is it like a peanut? I dig into my imagination and I picture a box of Maynards Bassets Liquorice Allsorts.

Friends come in all sorts of shapes and colours. Unlike with family, I can pick and choose who I want to be my friend. Friends are supposed to be people who make you laugh, support you when you are going through tough times and encourage you when you have given up. Shakespeare agrees with me with this quote:

“A friend knows you as you are, understands who you have been, accepts what you become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”

No one forces their friendship on us. We go into this relationship with our eyes wide open. We look for someone who we find it easy to talk to, someone who enjoys the same things in life and at times someone who we can depend on. There are no strings attached and we are free to walk out whenever we want, no love lost. So, why does it leave a sour taste when things go awry?

As with every relationship, “give and take” is a must. If there is no real connection the friendship becomes forced. Who has not had a “fake friend” during their lifetime? Real friends can go years without communication. You will not be ostracized, as you would with a blood relative. When the friendship is genuine, that person leaves an imprint on your life which neither time nor distance can erase.

There is a bunch of Crazy Ladies whom I call friends. I have not seen most of them for over 25 years. We are no longer schoolgirls and have ditched the green uniform a long way back. We live different lives in different countries, yet Facebook has made it possible for us to reconnect.  Though we have changed as individuals, as a group we have easily settled into this renewed friendship and filled in the gaps along the way.  

Social media prevents the ember of friendship from dying but can also leave bittersweet memories. Everyone brings a different trait into this relationship: good listener, loyal, trustworthy, supportive and funny. We invest more if we feel comfortable. As adults we are no longer carefree. We are more polite and demand respect. We keep one another updated without going into details.

“Always love your friends from your heart and not from your needs” – Buddha

We do not have to hang out to consolidate any relationship. Everyone has busy lives which makes it difficult to spend time together. A strong friendship can keep two people together if there is honesty and trust. At a click, we can ‘like’ those friends or ‘delete’ them from our lives permanently. Sadly, friendship can still last without any depth or closeness … more robotic than being alive.

In my opinion, if there is a lack of mutual respect, non-judgement, understanding and support, then the other person is not worthy of my friendship. I can easily walk away, guilt-free. Oh yeah, I am that ‘biatch’. I am past the silly game of bitching and negativity. If you want to be my friend, then assume your role, otherwise, beat it mate!

A sweet friendship refreshes the soul – Proverbs 27:9

I nurture friendship with those I call “true” friends. When my friend Annie asks how I am, she waits to hear my answer. Though she knows my weakness, she shows me my strength. There is more value in a friend who understands why you are crying than those who wait to join you only when you are laughing. Genuine friendship is like a rare pearl, cherish it when you are lucky enough to find it.

“The only way to have a friend is to be one” – Ralph Waldo Emerson